BALANCE AND CENTERING: I’LL JUST LIE DOWN FOR A WHILE, THANKS.

3 Aug

ImageThe last few weeks have been challenging as far as trying to find my center, my focus, my balance. 

Life gets really messy sometimes.  Whether it’s your own, or someone you care about. 

Just like that beautiful batch of cupcakes you make. They rose perfectly in the oven, uniformly the top edges all meet the cupcake liner and then ever so softly they rise toward the middle like a beautiful sun setting in the west. The icing piped perfectly out of the pastry bag, sharp edges of that sugary goodness contrasting the valleys giving your cupcakes that perfect set of ridges.

At first you don’t really see it. Then it comes into focus. You blink. It happens too fast. Just like in life, your cupcakes get blindsided. They crash to the floor to be lapped up by the dog. As too, the life you are watching is blindsided. That life begins to fall. You can’t catch it, it’s happening too fast and too far away. So you stand by and wait. You hope, you pray, you meditate that the pieces are big enough to put back together. That  the smaller pieces are somehow insignificant enough not to matter. But they do.

So was the life of my auntie the past week. No, she didn’t die. She is very much alive and in as much disrepair as those cupcakes. 

We were to have a family reunion and celebrate her 89th birthday last week end. It was all going well. A nice gathering at an old country park in Joplin. We still had the reunion, minus the guest of honor who was too frightened to be in the same vicinity as three of her children. My aunt has five children including a set of twin boys. They are all in their 60’s. Three of them decided on the Thursday before her birthday that she was living in an “unhealthy” environment. One of them owned the home she lived in. While one of them took her to buy some new clothes and have a manicure, the others went to the utility company and had her utilities turned off. They then took her to an “assisted living” facility and told her this was her “new home”. They also took her vehicle. 

My aunt being the stubborn mule that she is called the police. She’s now living with a friend. But, the life is still in shattered pieces. How does one trust again after the people you have born and raised blindside you in that manner?  And people have the gall to ask me why I never had children?!

And then there’s me. I have always been the self centered, self serving last born only daughter with four brothers. I was born to a mother who had seven brothers and no sisters. I was her pride and joy as well as her “doll baby” to sew clothes for, to dress up in all manner of “girliness”. And I loved every minute of her adoration, as well as the coddling from my brothers and my cousins, not to mention my aunts and uncles. And on top of all of the attention, I was constantly reminded by my aunts “You know sweetheart, we all think the sun rises and sets with you.” Good Lord, is it any wonder I’m a selfish shitjerk? I’m surprised I’m not a raving sociopath. Oh wait, that’s my brother.

Anyway, my point here is this: All of my life it’s been pretty much about me. I was never a “team player” even in sports. I always chose “individual” sports. I was on the Varsity archery team my frosh year in H.S. I was good at it. It was all about me! I tried playing volley ball. Not so good. I kept wanting to serve, set, spike.I didn’t want to share the ball. It didn’t work out so well. Then came running. Then biking. Then Swimming. And here we are at triathlon. Pretty much and individual sport. You either finish, or you don’t. No one to blame but yourself. 

It gets pretty lonely out there on your own. It’s tough being your only friend. Besides, people start staring when you argue with yourself. It really pisses me off when they interrupt! How rude!

Since my shoulder still hasn’t been the same since that Fatty McFatty situation when I injured it at work a month or so ago, I haven’t swam since, and it gets more painful when I ride the bike. Running is still okay. But I feel somewhat unbalanced. Like the tripod that only has one “pod”. 

I realize I’m still isolating myself to a degree. But it’s WAY easier to talk to people (even myself) when I run than on the bike. Or especially swimming. Talking under water was never my strong suit. 

Maybe an endurance team thing would be good. Like the stage races. Or maybe “The Amazing Race”. Any body wanna buddy up?

So, I’m thinking of turning a new leaf. Or baking pies instead of cup cakes!

Don’t worry, I’m still self interested enough to keep you posted.

So, be nice to each other. You never know who you might have to ask for help!

 

 

4 Responses to “BALANCE AND CENTERING: I’LL JUST LIE DOWN FOR A WHILE, THANKS.”

  1. Todd Benefiel August 4, 2013 at 12:31 am #

    I was all ready and prepped to leave my usual wise-guy comment, but after reading this I realized this wasn’t a joke-response kind of post. I know what you mean about being ‘blindsided’, although for me, I think it’s been more a lifetime of ‘diversions’…traveling without a map, and taking these off-ramps–or being directed to these off-ramps–that I think lead to something good, but never, ever do.

    So the temptation is to keep myself safe and sound on the freeway, and never take the off-ramps, for they can’t be trusted, and can only lead to trouble. But traveling the freeway, and never leaving it, means I’m just moving in an endless and meaningless direction, and seeing things from a distance, and experiencing them only from the safety of my car. Which for me now is a way of life, and one I’ve happily grown accustomed to.

    So the moral of your story, and mine? I guess it would be this: eat more cupcakes.

    • oneluckiegirl August 4, 2013 at 12:45 am #

      As for my aunt, yeah, kinda serious. But MY life, pffft. My life is a joke. Or at least a pun.

      Perhaps you need a navigator to get you off the freeway at the appropriate off ramp? Or maybe it will just come to an end, kind of like out in Apache Junction. The 202 just kind of ends, and you’re on your way to Canyon Lake. That way you’re FORCED to stop and eat a piece of pie and have a conversation with a waitress. That’s assuming you are ON the 202 headed to Apache Junction. Although I don’t know WHY in God’s name you would want to go THERE?
      Seriously, get off the freeway and take Route 66, or a FM road. You have to stop somewhere to “rest” right???? And I will become less self consumed. Deal?

      • Todd Benefiel August 4, 2013 at 1:44 am #

        Deal! Although, this could be troublesome by bike.

      • oneluckiegirl August 5, 2013 at 2:31 am #

        Hey, It’s YOUR road trip!

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